braving new territory

I recently facilitated my first ever art therapy workshop.

The class was centred around unblocking & unleashing creativity and for someone who spends a lot of her time exploring the concept of creative freedom, it felt like the most natural and exhilarating thing to finally be sharing it.

As much as I revelled in the preparation of the workshop (I love all that behind the scenes stuff), the marketing side of things challenged me. I’m not so great at broadcasting my greatness to the world. This was my first workshop - how could I say with any great confidence that I was going to be great? However, I am fortunate to have great people in my life who gave me a gentle kick up the ass. Create a Facebook page they said. Make an events page on your website. Hand out a business card here and there.

Show up they said. Even if it’s just for you.

So I did all of these things.

What followed was a floaty sense of satisfaction.

And then what followed that was a yucky negative mental narrative. For the sake of keeping it real, I will share (though rest assured, my ego would much prefer to bury it).

It sounded a bit like this:

No one will come.

No one cares.

You will be left feeling worse off than if you didn’t run this workshop.

People will say yes & then drop out at the last minute.

People will expect too much & you will disappoint them.

You are a writer, an art therapist...but a facilitator, leader, public speaker? U trippin!

People won't enjoy art therapy.

I am confident in many areas of my life, but it's ALWAYS when I step outside my comfort zone that issues tend to arise around self-worth. Instead of being my greatest cheerleader I am like Gollum, self-loathing into his river reflection.

I considered how I would respond, had it been a friend or perhaps my child who was seeking support in braving new territory. Would I fear monger them? Would I berate them? Shit no. I would give them the biggest round of applause because I know it’s not easy. I also know that if its your dream, then it is unquestionably and undeniably worth it, regardless of the outcome.

I decided it was time to take a different approach because #fuckthefear. I was going to stay with myself, feel all the feels and just show up anyway. I was going to lean into the person I become when I allow myself to say yes. I was going to practice resilience in the face of shame.

Turned out, people did want to attend an art therapy workshop. Over the coming weeks I received interest, registrations, comments and questions all positively directed towards the class. And when it came to the closing of registrations the workshop was almost at capacity.

However, I wasn't quite out of the woods yet.

Up until an hour before everyone arrived on the day of the workshop, I swear I completely had my shit together. I promise, I was like some kind of Art-Therapist-Mother-Teresa gliding around the house burning palo santo, calmly going over my notes...

When all of a sudden it hit me.

That one question that my inner critic had saved until this very last moment....

“How the fuck are you going to pull this off?”

Panic dropped into the pit of my gut rising up to the back of my throat and made me want to spew. I contemplated having a cigarette, binging on chocolate, sculling a glass of wine and hyperventilating into a brown paper bag.

I realised that this was not the voice of reason or truth. It was the voice of shame.

It had been eleven years since I'd had a cigarette. And let's face it, for someone who doesn't really drink, morning wine would probably not get me off to a good start to this situation. So instead, I took a deep breath and decided it was time for chats with my fear & anxiety.

It went a bit like this:

"Hello old friends! I remember you, I acknowledge your presence. There are times when I really cherish and value your arrival - like when a lion is chasing me or when I'm escaping a volcanic eruption (very common occurrences in my life). However, today your timing is kind of bullshit. So, thanks for dropping in but you gotta go now. Bye bye, see ya, cheerio!"

When I felt fear & anxiety leave the room, I stopped for a moment to take a breath.

It was time to give myself some fucken CRED.

This was not a speculative situation. I was doing this. I had created this. I was not going to have a definitive handle on what the outcome would look like. There was no choice - I would just have to be enough.

And in that moment of acceptance came peace. It was liberating to have no other alternative than to just be myself. There were no extras up my sleeve. I was tired of not backing myself - that story was old. It was time to counter the negative talk with some good old-fashioned faith.

And one by one, the participants showed up. And surprise-surprise I managed to facilitate the workshop. I was nervous as all hell to start with. It was excruciatingly vulnerable but oh-so brave. I learned so much about myself by stepping into a situation that usually would have had me running & screaming into the hills. I learned what kind of a person I become when I say yes. I experienced what it felt like to have no map or manual. I discovered what I loved about the whole situation and had a chance to learn what I’d change. I couldn’t have done any of that through research, conversation or sitting behind a computer - it had to be felt in my bones, in my nervous system, in my heart.

My nerves soon subsided and the day unfolded magically before my eyes. I had the privilege of sitting amongst a bunch of radical, spirited women. We laughed, told stories, shared and created art in the pine trees. I stopped frequently throughout the day just to honour, to take witness to the strength and beauty that swam in their stories, their art.

It was about two-thirds into the workshop when I suddenly became cognisant of the fact that I was not going to cover all of the content I had hoped to. My natural reflex was a sense of embarrassment and of urgency because my timings had been so off. But as I looked around the house at all the women chatting, laughing, connecting whilst they were making amazing art I realised … Is it really so bad? Can you let yourself (& your multiple planets in Virgo) off the hook today?

So I gave up with the ideals, sat back with a cuppa and allowed myself to just be in the moment. To feel proud that I created something – and it was met and it was great.

I don't know about you, but I'm done with my inner critic. I’ve listened to her bullshit so acutely, so intently for way too long. It has always felt so safe to follow her lead, to stay in the shadows without really stepping into the unknown. But I’ve come to learn that whenever I dodge her judgy-wudgy, fear-based shit, amazing things seem to happen in my life.

When we put ourselves out there in any way, whether it is through art, love, public speaking or speaking up, it is ridiculously scary territory. Fear much prefers to have us cringing in the corner, overshadowed by self-doubt. In that corner, we are allowed to judge ourselves and judge others. It is a corner where we don’t have to feel. It's a corner in which we remain perpetually small.

Fuck that.

What if instead, we were to gather up our insecurities, imperfections & vulnerability and use it as FUEL to make us stronger, wiser, more resilient? What if, instead of being afraid, we realised and celebrated that our gifts lay in the realness of our stories? I don't know about you but I'm yet to hear of a good story where nothing went awry or there wasn't some kind of hurdle to overcome. A hero isn't a hero because she's always strong and invincible. She's a hero because she fell down and dusted herself off and got back up again.... and again... and again.

We can always focus on the things we don’t do right - where we believe we are weak or where we fall short. What is more challenging & more rewarding is to give ourselves permission to be seen and to stay with ourselves throughout that process.

And in a world that advocates perfectionism, portrayals and production, we have our work cut out for us. Heck, if you aren't parenting, working, studying, writing a book and reinventing the fricken wheel (and posting about it twice a day) then surely you must be doing something wrong, yeah?

Are you a teeny bit bored by this? I am. Society has us measuring ourselves quantitatively against each other in our ability to be smarter, thinner, richer, faster, prettier, more powerful, more efficient, a better parent & more cool. But really, how can we compare ourselves to each other when our inner workings are so vastly different? Each and every one of us encompass a gold mine of skills, backgrounds, experiences, dreams and innate gifts. We are beyond replication - the depth of our difference is infinite.... and is most certainly worth celebrating.

Wholeness is not what we find in 'perfection'. This concept only has us staggering towards idealism - it's a road without an end. Wholeness is found in our courage & our ability to say yes despite the annoying input fear and shame try to have on the situation.

So where is your shakiness, your uncertainty and your imperfections?

Do you own them or stuff them in the closet?

Can you lean into them a little closer and learn to love them anyway?

The thing is, if we cannot tolerate our own vulnerability – how are we supposed to tolerate the vulnerability of others? When I give you the messed up, awkward, toilet-paper-stuck-in-my-dress, bed-hair version of myself - it gives you permission to come to the party dressed casual too.

Win-win.

So here's to all the rad people who put themselves out there to the world, despite feeling shit scared, awkward, unsupported or alone. You are not alone. You are brave.

Stay with yourself and keep going.

x